The path to healing is a beautiful mess in all aspects.  There’s days where things come easy and then there are days where you’re literally beating your head against the wall dealing with the same patterns and triggers over and over again.  My husband actually started to do the work ahead of me and what transpired was a man who led our home with more love, light, vulnerability and accountability.  He was easier to talk to, he listened to my feelings (when I decided it was safe to share them), he was more determined to provide and he fought for our relationship.  I was a priority to him and I could finally feel that to the depths of my core which was new and slightly scary for me initially. He leveled up.

A few months prior to the birth of Jake’s healing journey, I remember wondering if we would make it.  For the first time in our relationship, I felt that I might’ve been reaching the end of my rope.  As I hinted in my previous post, Jake and I didn’t have the picture-perfect relationship.  We were two imperfect and deeply wounded individuals who found one another in low energy states.  We had passion and undeniable chemistry.  Something always pulled us back to each other and actually still does to this day.

We went through multiple break-ups in our early years. And that continued into our parenting years as well.  Jake and I have married twice.  We divorced about 2.5 years after our first marriage and then remarried two years later and have been married ever since.  The path to our first divorce was a tumultuous one. After I had our first daughter together, we re-kindled our relationship. We wanted to give our relationship a true shot and be parents to our daughter together.  It was good until it wasn’t. About a year into our marriage, I noticed the same patterns as before start to emerge.  Late night drinking, phone on lock and a closed off heart.  I suspected that there was another female involved and demanded the truth.  I was met with denial and anger yet again.  One night, he fell asleep with his phone not on his body.  I opened it an read a text message from the same woman I thought was behind us.  It read: “I love you.”  His reply, “I love you too.”

I could not believe what I saw although I knew the whole time.  At first, I fought- I fought hard for our family.  I was loud, bold and strong.  Refusing divorce, begging and pleading.  Self help books were read and I prayed hard to God to not let this be it.  I felt the negative thoughts creep in and deep down I knew it was over.  I had to let go.  The day he told me he found an attorney, was the day I gave in.  I released expectations from him as a partner.  I let him live his life freely.  I packed mine and our daughter’s life up out of the home we shared.  I had no attorney to represent me.  We worked out visitation and finances seamlessly, our dissolution was done in less than 60 days. This time, I moved into a home I bought for my daughter, my dog and me.  I found a better job with flexible working hours and much better pay.  When I decided to let go, life felt my vibration and matched me with these blessings.

Don’t let the Cinderella story above fool you.  There were many challenges, I was in pain and a lot of it. I just chose to swallow that darkness in sheer love for our daughter.  Despite heartbreak, I knew I wanted mine and Jake’s relationship to be the best it could to give Aleena the best of a broken home.  I made the decision to focus solely on her and prayed not for him to be a partner for me, but the best man ever to be the greatest Dad to her. I wished him happiness and the love he was seeking to find in this partner.  I wished him peace.  I did wish that he would regret his decision to leave his family one day too.  So there’s that. Before that wish came true, we celebrated birthdays and all special occasions together with Aleena as a united family.  He would take her with him when he was visiting his partner.  Each parent chatted with Aleena to say goodnight regardless of who she was with each day. As a little time had passed, I even asked for Jake to invite his girlfriend to the birthday party we were having for Aleena at my house. I asked her to bring her children and I intended to invite her to holidays too. A blended family was what I envisioned. The goal was for Aleena to have a bonus Mom.  Someone who loved and cared for her when I wasn’t there. Jake chose this person and I surrendered to trusting his choice despite my heartbreak for our ended marriage.

Well, shoot we didn’t have to fast forward too far, but that relationship didn’t work out.  Turns out we ended up building a renewed friendship, the sparks never really left either.  We started to work on building trust together as a couple again.  And part way through it, we decided to just go all in.  We got remarried almost exactly two years after our divorce was final.  We welcomed another baby girl into our family and have been through many more ups and downs.  We chose each other repeatedly even when it’s hard even when we don’t want to. 

Our relationship has humbled me in more ways than I can even count.  He is my mirror who brings all of the unhealed versions of myself to the surface.  I do the same for him.  Some patterns we created in our relationship still exist in our relationship today, but instead of deflecting, defending and projecting- we take ownership in our parts (most of the time, work in progress), get vulnerable and work through them.  Marriage is certainly not for the faint hearted but it’s worth it.  The sacred union is a love like no other, it’s a deep connection that is the highest truth. Surrender is a must, accepting the shadows and light.  It’s messy and beautiful. I’m grateful, just grateful.