As I was making my bed this morning, I found myself in state of gratitude for my journey through marriage. Pillows on the ground, sheets tangled, comforter and blankets twisted and I couldn’t help but think that our bed symbolized the perfectly imperfect relationship we have today.

Our relationship has been riddled with lust, pleasure, passion, betrayal, hurt, fear, shadows, light, love, joy and oneness. It wasn’t linear, it was messy like our bed. Two people each with their own messiness longing for unconditional love and connection, finding one another in fragile unhealed states, put on this earth (by no coincidence) to help each other find their way back to oneness with themselves. Our deepest fears and darkest shadows exacerbated through merely existing in one another’s lives in the name of love. The experience has been nothing short of wild and untamed and our love story is certainly one for the books.

I struggled throughout my life with the feeling of abandonment. More recently, I often stated in circles of friends that I felt like as soon as I opened up, I would be hurt. I hid behind a mask of hypervigilance never feeling safe enough to be my true self. I would read a room and match the energy of my audience. Often times it meant I needed to be the loudest, the funniest, the drunkest, the most outrageous. I would leave an event or gathering exhausted and disconnected. All I ever wanted was to be cared for, loved and safe. I was looking for validation and safety outside of myself and this pattern continued for years.

In my marriage, the pattern looked like staying quiet when I was upset. Not owning my no. I avoided uncomfortable conversations with my husband just to keep the peace. I resisted my emotions and stuffed them down. I would never rest and I poured from an empty cup. I became resentful. I avoided being vulnerable with him which created a mote around my heart. That mote was false safety. I didn’t let anyone in, not even myself. I created abandonment in our relationship by simply abandonment from self. I lied to myself repeatedly that self sacrifice was love. When in reality, it was the furthest from love, safety and me. I was wrapped up in a web of stories on autopilot that I created to prove my worth based on the fear of abandonment. My life felt like a prison of “I’m not good enough.” My wholeness and disconnection from mind, body and spirit reached it’s breaking point years ago. The breaking point was the start of my journey inward. A woman who desperately was seeking to be connected to herself, to love herself and understand herself. I never realized that my outer world was a mere reflection on my inner world. I didn’t have the connection I wanted with my spouse because I wasn’t willing to give that connection to myself.

This awareness alone has shifted our relationship in ways that I could never have dreamt of. While it would be easy for me to stand by his infidelity being the root cause of any and all of our issues throughout our marriage, I had to take accountability for my part in our past disconnection. My patterns also played into the not so great parts of our journey together. My husband has been my greatest mirror and sometimes the reflection is not easy to see. The honesty, accountability, vulnerability and emotion that I smothered to never be seen were the catalyst to the safety, trust, connection and love that we cherish in our relationship today.

There was freedom on the other side of fear. There was sacred connection on the other side of abandonment. There was love on the other side rejection. There was joy on the other side of tears. There was presence on the other side distance. We’ve untangled the the sheets of stories over and over again. Holding each crease (past version of ourselves) with gratitude, love and wisdom through or souls journeys independently and together. Perfectly imperfect for purpose.