I’m staring at my work computer and my calendar is chaos and so am I. Gemma has had some post operative complications which is nothing life threatening but the lack of sleep, worry and extra steps in my routine has also complicated my emotional state. I’m actually very raw and hurting right now as I’m walking through some awareness’s.

Something that has become very glaring to me in recent weeks is the perception of me to others. I take accountability for projecting it but nothing more. I am viewed as strong, independent and capable because I am. I have survived and I always will. I don’t crumble easy, the resilience I have as a human being is a gift. I will always prevail and I can bet on myself without a shadow of doubt. It’s confidence and knowing and it’s proven truth. I don’t seek conflict but I am bold when I’m faced with it. I’m not afraid to dance with my shadows or bring light to my own darkness. I often see intentions of others before they are even aware of them themselves.

Through my healing journey I have come to know my heart, my feelings and just how sensitive I actually am. I feel, love and hurt deeply. I smile while my heart cries. My anger bubbles up quickly to protect me when my heart feels the slightest tinge of hurt, rejection. I withdraw from people and situations when I don’t feel the love reciprocated as when I give anyone my heart it is whole and yours. Never half or pieces. Hurt cuts me deeper than anyone would ever know when I’m not acknowledged or seen in my vulnerability because it is not shared lightly.

Because of the busy life that I lead, I don’t have a ton of time or energy to give to many things outside of my existing world but when I am present with you, you have all of me. Not more, all. What I’m observing is that I’m rarely the one being checked on in most relationships. In order to have connection, I have to be the one reaching out. It is assumed that I’m fine, I don’t struggle. I’m the reliable one in most relationships, the safe one, I’m not the one who needs but is expected to reach out first and offer my support to others. My voice, feelings and words often get ignored even when I’ve gained the courage to express my heart or when I’m struggling. I can build a wall (it’s a great skill of mine) but I am choosing not to. I’m still expressing and letting myself feel the hurt and also observing so I know where and who is deserving of knowing a heart like mine that is deeper than most will ever understand.

The whole situation with Gemma has brought up a lot for me to reflect on. To many, pets are pets but for me my pets are a reflection of my truest form. I see my soul through their eyes. My dogs are always excited to see me, they love being close to me. They catch all my tears that nobody sees. They listen to my heart, my worries and also celebrate my wins. There’s no jealousy, gossip or ill intentions. They offer a love that is selfless, unconditional. They love me in my mess with no words, just space. They hold me with no judgement. I’ve always thought that the way people love animals tells me a lot about them. How they feel about themselves and others. I’ve learned that I’m so complex but also so simple. I show up for others how I wish they showed up for me. Not super often, but thoughtful and present.

This season has clarified something I can no longer ignore: love should feel safe, mutual, and alive. Being strong does not mean being endlessly available, and loving deeply does not require me to accept less in return. Through my dogs’ eyes, I’ve come to understand what devotion without conditions feels like. From here on, I’m choosing relationships that know how to see me, especially when I’m quiet, tired, or hurting and gently creating distance from those that don’t. That kind of love isn’t rare to me anymore. It’s the standard and what I will attract.