Today has been wild. I’ve written quite a bit about the year of the snake the last few posts. Consequently, I have been reviewing the year as well. What did I learn, what am I letting go of, what energy am I bringing in? Questions of did I do enough, did I learn enough, am I worthy enough resurfaced through this process.

As I was strolling through the aisles of Costco I was thinking about my job oddly. I have held a Senior Technical Recruiter position at a gaming company for over 3 years now. It has been such a great experience for me. I’ve built an entire Technology organization, created stellar hiring processes and I’ve worked with some amazing people, all who I respect in the industry deeply. I have been a remote employee since before masks became a fashion statement. Working remotely has allowed for me to have better balance in being a Mom with a career. Still stressful, but a little less stressful than hiking into the office daily. The company I work for has decided to separate with remote workers and bring all work back into the office. They haven’t been secretive, they haven’t been rude about it and I do feel supported in this change. Secretly, I have held out hope that I might be “grandfathered in” but the separation discussions are still happening and dates are becoming a little more firm. I’ve realized that this chapter is coming to a close.

I’m sad about it and I’ve realized that I have actually held on too long. While my job situation triggered this “Aha” for me, I could feel my body pushing me to explore this more. Where else have I “held on” in my life? The answer is everywhere. I don’t struggle with starting things, I struggle with leaving them. I’ve stayed in mindsets after they have stopped being true, in routines after they have stopped nourishing me, in friendships, relationships and groups after the reciprocity has expired. Leaving felt like failure, disloyalty or wasted effort. My beliefs were the phrases, “if I leave, it means I didn’t try hard enough,” “if I outgrow this, I’m being difficult,” “if I stop, I am quitting,” “if it doesn’t hurt, it isn’t love.”

Today I learned that I’m not bad at boundaries, I’m excellent at loyalty. I’m not resistant to change, I over identify with responsibility. I’m not indecisive, I delay endings to protect my identity. All parts of me were asking me to shed these beliefs to be open to receive. The shackles of learned beliefs masked in survival asking me to let them go. Integration and living life in EASE means giving myself permission for leaving to be a choice. What I didn’t see before today is that things don’t have to be wrong to be complete. In life, growth often requires exit.

Hello new opportunities, I am ready to receive.