Dear Natasha,

You were a part of my story that I wanted to erase.  You were a young woman that I shamed.  I wanted to keep you hidden forever. My kids, family, friends and future colleagues were to never know of your existence. You were a secret, a lie and a very vulnerable part of me.

After years of keeping your name in the shadows, it’s time you finally come to light.  I want you to know that I am no longer ashamed of you. You were a goddess and the definition of feminine power. You were sexy, strong and smart. Your drive and resilience to survive was admirable. I never meant to push you away as your essence and confidence was alluring. I am grateful for every piece of my story with you. You gave me more blessings than I could have ever dreamt. You brought me my husband, my kids, my college experience and so much healing today. Your name is a part of me and a part of me that will no longer hide in the darkness.

I was a stripper. My husband was a patron at the Gentlemen’s Club I worked at. We met at Diamond’s Cabaret in Centerville, Ohio, not at a club or amongst mutual friends like we have said for years. It was the end of February in 2006 when I was on main stage, in my hot pink sequenced evening gown dancing to J-Kwon’s “Tipsy.” The club was packed and I was putting on a show. After an epic hair flip, I locked eyes with the finest man in the room. It felt as if time stopped. After I finished my set, I ended up over that man’s table. He introduced himself as Jake, and I kept with the name Natasha.  He immediately called my bluff and I told him my real name. Throughout our conversation, it felt as though we had known each other for years. We saw each other every few weeks when he would come into the club and the conversations continued. No numbers had been exchanged, but it seemed like we were heading in the direction of seeing each other outside of Diamond’s. We went on our first official date in May of 2006 and the rest was history. And there’s the tea!

Let’s back up a bit on how Natasha came to be.  My first two years at Miami University were easily covered by student loans.  I lived in the dorms, ate at dining halls and didn’t have many outside expenses.  I worked a little in between classes and on the weekends to have a little bit of money to go out with friends. My parents were divorced by this point, and neither were in the position to truly help me pay for school, so I took it on. Junior and Senior year, you could live in the dorms, but my friend group was looking to live in an off-campus house. Naturally I wanted to do the same and signed a lease.  What I didn’t factor in to the decision was rent. Rent could not be covered by student loans to a landlord.  Also, groceries and a car to get groceries. 

My Dad did help me with a car initially and I thought that he would be taking care of the payments for me while I was in school, but that ended up not being the case.  So, at the ripe age of 20 I had rent, utilities, food, gas and a car payment all while having a full course load and homework.  I was working as a waitress as much as I possibly could- but it still wasn’t making ends meet. I overdrew my account several times. I would wait until the last minute to pay bills to gather cash. I was truly in over my head. Over Christmas break, I the thought of withdrawing from school crossed my mind on several occasions.  I couldn’t keep up with the stress of school and then also not be able to support my life. On New Year’s Eve 2005, I was in Columbus with my then boyfriend and his friend group.  We decided to go to a strip club. The environment was fun.  The girls were sweet, and they were making bank. The idea of trying this out crossed my mind. It felt risky, it scared me- but I needed the cash. My back was against the wall.

I auditioned and got the job.  The plan all along was for me to work at Diamond’s as Natasha only until I was able to make enough cash to pay my rent, utilities, car, gas and groceries to cover the rest of my time at Miami University.  That took me 8 months. I retired the evening gown and the clear platform stilettos and got a normal job at Buffalo Wild Wings on campus to keep some cash rolling in.

I never thought that Natasha would be such a large portion of my healing journey.  To be free of the lie but also to reach a point of gratitude for who she shaped me to be. She was a woman who knew her power.  She was free in her femininity and monetized it.  She was driven but soft.  She hustled and flowed. I created her to survive.  She was a vital part in my ability to later land the corporate jobs and thrive.  The grit and resilience she possessed got her places and closer to her goals. I navigated hard things with ease and she bet on herself in that era above all else.

I created Natasha for security and she delivered, the lesson that I failed to remember until recently was that she was actually Brittany. She was never meant to be kept in the shadows of shame, categorized as right or wrong.  She was me and I was her.  I suffocated her very existence.  I stuffed my sexuality, my desires and my self-worth into the depths of my core to never be seen again.  The weightless, free energy of being a woman was erased and replaced by masculine energy to hide this secret and prove that I was worthy.  I worked the hardest, I sacrificed time with my kids and husband to climb that corporate ladder.  What I found was that I was out of alignment and completely miserable along the way.

As time passed, I started to crave connections with other women.  I wanted to feel my feminine power and I wanted to feel my sexuality once more. I started working with my Healing/Life Coach over a year ago and the urge to tell her about my past needed to happen.  I was scared out of my mind to tell her. Literally shaking and thought I was going to puke. Do you know what she did?  She loved me. She didn’t tell me I was a horrible person.  She stayed. And you know what happened when I told my Gentle Warrior women, they stayed too.  No judgment, no shame.  I was free.  My relationships, my worthiness, my intimacy improved.  A weight had been lifted and the cure was simply vulnerability and loving that part of me without shame or judgment.